Are you aware of how invested you are in getting people to like you? It’s astonishing, the lengths that some will go in order to be liked and accepted by others. In fact, some people carefully monitor their behavior to avoid negative judgment altogether. This is especially true for those unfortunate enough to have grown up in a household where family members continually pointed out what they were doing wrong. An unhealthy environment can lead to deep feelings of inadequacy. It can also make people lean towards becoming perfectionists and people pleasers.
If this sounds like you, maybe it’s time to stop putting all your energy in trying to please others and redirect it towards pleasing yourself. The truth is that it’s impossible to be liked and accepted by everyone. Not everyone is going to fall in love with you, no matter how hard you try; just accept that fact. Humans are by nature judgmental; that’s just the way the mind works. You don’t have to trap yourself in a self-made prison of people pleasing. Instead, learn ways to free yourself. Here are four ways to let go of fear.
No, it’s not that you’re unlucky or that you deserve what’s happening to you right now—hitting hard times is just a normal part of existing. Rather than wasting energy whining, “Why me?” get hold of yourself, find your feet, stand up, and move through it. Sometimes you just can’t make sense out of crazy. You do all the right things, invest in becoming the best you can be, show up, take your career seriously, pay your dues, do your homework, take responsibility—and things still don’t go your way. It’s just the way of the world. I hear you, it’s hard and it’s unfair. But when you hit difficulty and it feels like an arrow pierced your heart, do you really need to put another arrow in by ruminating and obsessing about it? No, you don’t. Try this fresh approach:
1) Don’t suppress feelings, especially the bad ones.
Fighting feelings gives them more power. Think of trying to push a beach ball underwater, you push and push only to have it pop up more powerful. Feeling your feelings won’t kill you. It’s usually what people do in order not to feel their feelings that is most harmful. Appreciate every experience—the good, the bad, and the ugly—by focusing on the treasure it will reveal in time. Instead of running from unpleasant situations by denying them, put some space around them—it will help to make them feel less claustrophobic. Befriend, don’t defend difficulties. By inviting unpleasant feelings in for a cup of tea, they will feel less threatening. In fact, confronting feelings makes them hang around a lot less longer. Build mental muscle by cultivating the attitude that you are going to be with whatever shows up today. Remember that all feelings come and go, just like the weather. As bad as you may feel, remember nothing in life is fixated.
Think about what you’re thinking in 2017.
2016 was rilled with an unusual amount of loss and change. We lost many deeply loved cultural greats and our political landscape changed dramatically. People may have mixed feelings about the New Year. On one hand, you may be happy that 2016 is over, but on the other, apprehensive about 2017 and what it will bring. Often, fear is handled by getting in the “doing” mode. For example, focusing on making lists or setting goals in order to feel more in control. But before you sharpen your pencil, ponder this thought: Goals are about the future, and your life happens in the here and now. A wise person once said, “When you’ve got one foot in the future and one in the past, you’re pissin’ on the present.”
It’s wonderful to take the time to set the course of your life, but while focusing on your future, be sure not to cheat yourself out of all the wonderful moments happening right now. The quality of your life will be reliant upon how well you can balance your focus between the two—tomorrow and today. When your mind wanders more towards the future than the present, you can unconsciously set yourself up for a lot of anxiety and disappointment over things that haven’t even happened yet. Remember, thoughts can be helpful or harmful, so start to become aware of what you’re putting in your head. If your mind is continuously like a checklist that must get finished, you’re leaning too much in the fast-forward mode and not living in the present moment. When operating on that level, you’re only half-living, unable to take in what is happening right before you. It’s like coming upon a tree of singing birds with earplugs. You’re going to miss out. Listening to songbirds will have a positive effect on your heart and soul, while crossing tasks off a list…meh.
When the political reality feeds polarizing views in a country, art can step in and help mend the divide. Through the art of storytelling, an actor’s performance can help create bridges of understanding between opposing forces and give way to common ground. Actors don’t require passports to perform their magic. Their work can radiate across the globe reaching millions of people with just one click. Actors, you are part of a profession that tackles differences in a creative way. Performances have the potential to touch people’s hearts and open their minds. It is only through having an open mind that different ideas can be exchanged and mulled over peacefully. This idea is as relevant today as it was thousands of years ago when Aristotle said, ”It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”
Not only do actors help create open minds in their viewers, but they use their open minds as a tool to break out of their own comfort zones in order to get at the core of a character they are portraying. Maybe the character is unlike anyone they have ever known, or perhaps is extremely unlikeable. The actor’s challenge is to find some shred of humanity that they can relate to and build from there. They must see a piece of themselves in their character in order to deliver an authentic and moving performance. I’m sure you have all experienced goose bumps while watching a great performance in a play or on a screen. I know I have. You can’t fake that kind of visceral reaction. It comes out of feeling fully connected and committed to the work.
Are you aware of what you want? Having clarity of your desires moves you closer towards them. Confusion around priorities will leave you floundering in circles of frustration. Do you know what your ideal life looks like? Can you visualize it? If you’re having difficulty answering these questions, you might find yourself having difficulty building a life that leads you towards fulfilling your goals.
Setting Long-Term Intentions
The first step towards living a fulfilled life is to make sure that what you want is aligned with what is in your heart. Are you living the life you want to live and not someone else’s version of it? Is your dream really yours? Are you unconsciously wanting fame and fortune because you’re living one of your parent’s unfulfilled dreams? People are ready to give advice on what you should do and how to do it. Sometimes it comes from a very loving place, but nonetheless, it’s coming from someone else, not you. Only you can know and decide what’s best for you. No one knows you as well as you know yourself. Remember that.
Most people feel good knowing there are certain things in life that they can count on. The summer months bring warm weather, children go back to school in September, Christmas is in December, the sun rises in the East and sets in the West. We have an innate, deep-seated desire for certainty and control, it brings peace of mind. On the other hand, uncertainty doesn’t feel so good. Do I have enough talent? Will I work again? Will I fall in love? Will I be successful? People do funny things to manage their anxiety around uncertainty. One of them is to slip into thinking that you will be guaranteed what you want if you are more in control and always do the right things. But it is a lofty illusion to think that by enforcing these behaviors, you will achieve your goals. In fact, taking this idea too far can actually undermine your achievements and your ability to be happy.
Being controlling can have a negative impact on your life and your acting career. A great Robert De Niro quote sheds some light on this concept:
“A lot of young actors have the idea that, “I’ve got to do this right. There’s a right way to do this.” But there’s no right or wrong. There’s only good and bad. And ‘bad’ usually happens when you’re trying too hard to do it right. There’s a very broad spectrum of things that can inhibit you. The most important thing for actors – and not just actors, but everybody – is to feel loose enough to create what you want to create, and be free to try anything. To have choices.”
Well said, Robert. But how can one attain this sense of freedom to try anything? How do you let go of fear? How do you let go of not being invested in the outcome?
Are your emotions being held hostage by outside circumstances? Do you find that your good mood is reliant upon things going your way? Are you happy when you get what you want and pouty when you don’t? Although these reactions seem logical, they can eventually take a toll on your ability to feel balanced and happy. When outside circumstances control your mood, you’re hitching your happiness to events that are most likely out of your control. As actors, it is especially important for you to learn how to handle the ups and downs of your profession. There is so little in your control. Whether you work or not is dependent on another person saying yes. You may want that particular agent or manager to represent you, but it is up to them to say yes. Even when you work your hardest, you may not get what you want and deserve. Things don’t always go your way. Life feels unfair. You’re not wrong for feeling all those things, but after you kick and scream, then what? Are you going to dwell in the muck for the rest of the day, week, year? What a waste.
Has the “not enough” bug bitten you in the behind? Are you suffering with symptoms of running around, and feeling like you don’t have enough time, money, energy, or talent? Stop for a moment and ponder the wise words of Annie Dillard: “How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.” If you’re going through life meeting obligations in a trance and operating on automatic, you may be turning into a human doing instead of a human being. Making productivity priority over presence can be a source of great unhappiness. Busyness can keep you in a constant state of overwhelm and distract you from living life to the fullest. It can also deplete the creative fuel necessary for your acting career. To have more control over the quality of your life, you’ve got to know how to find balance.
Ponder these two simple ideas to help you master the art of living.
Time is a valuable resource – don’t squander it.
The juicy things in life come with a price. To feel the elation of being on a mountaintop, you’ve got to endure the vigorous climb up. Falling in love comes with the risk of getting a broken heart. Playing it safe and putting all your energy in feeling comfortable is a sure way to miss out on life’s adventures. As Diane Ackerman, poet, essayist, and naturalist says, “I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.”
As actors, if you’re more invested in not making a fool of yourself than you are in reaching your full potential, your performances will feel safe and not very exhilarating. If Jane Fonda worried about the snot dripping from her nose in Klute, she never would’ve given us that incredible Academy Award winning performance.
Fear can be tricky. Sometimes when it’s knee deep and you’ve built a life of avoidance, you’re not even aware of what you’re missing. Don’t let your fear bully you around. It’s never too late to get back on track.
Count on booking a job when you’ve got tickets to go on that long awaited vacation to Hawaii. Be assured that your car breaks down as you’re about to take off for an audition. Expect bad weather on opening night. The universe is not out to get you. Everyday stress is part of life. It’s nothing more and nothing less. However, when you start slapping on negative statements to ordinary occurrences, you are automatically making your life harder than it needs to be.
I don’t think most people wake up every morning and say to themselves, “Mmmm let me see what I could do today to screw things up for myself.” Self-sabotaging is usually very unconscious, but that doesn’t make it less dangerous. It doesn’t make sense to live your life expecting wonderful things to happen to you when A) You don’t feel that you’re entitled to be happy, B) Feel on some deep level that you are terribly broken, or C) Are stuck in the past. If you truly want to be happy and successful, start doing things that will take you towards your goal, not away from it. Here are two tips to get started in the right direction.